Stuck Between Here and Heaven

It’s sometimes hard to think “back to a year ago today” recently. Life was such a blur and I lived in a massive fog of confusion, deep pain, utter heartbreak and truly just not knowing what to do with myself. After you have a baby you’re not supposed to do too much and really rest, well at least not be active and limit your stairs and things. But when you don’t have a baby to take care of to take up all of your time it’s hard to know what to do. I remember many days physically yearning for my little girl and wishing more than anything in the world that she was there with me. It was hard to see past the fog and the pain of what had just happened. I found myself hoping for Heaven but mostly focused on the here and now. Knowing that I’d see my girl again and yet feeling almost at the point of despair knowing I’d never hold her again this side of Heaven. Feeling so very human in my inability to work through all my feelings. 

Fast forward to today and while a year ago today is still hard to think about, July 2nd will always be a day that sticks in my heart as her due date, it is filled with far more hope than what my broken soul once felt. Moments and days are still wildly hard. Being around little ones and family is a huge slap in the face of her absence and I think always will be. There are so many moments I wish I was living with her right now and in the months to come. Seeing her walk and hearing all of her new words as she learned them. Seeing her crazy personality unfold and getting to experience our little human. I will always miss those moments. But there is a hope and a peace that passes understanding. Far beyond what I’ve ever known before. It’s been beautiful to see the way the Maker of the universe has shown up for just one of His children in their time of need. Beautiful to see how He has worked in my own heart and the heart of my husband and my family. The way that He has moved in the lives of others and brought friends and family closer together than we could’ve been before. He is truly so good. 

So then here we are. Stuck between the flesh of today and the hope of Heaven in the tomorrows. It’s a tricky place to live but one I’m grateful I get to be a part of. Thankful to know the hope that I get to experience one day and thankful that I know how sweet it is through trials that I’ve endured. It helps to make life less worry-filled and stressful. While it doesn’t make it void of those things it does help to shed light on how very unimportant most of our worries are in light of eternity. Deep grief helps teach you that and Jesus helps keep your eyes focused on hope. So I’ve been here and I think here I will live until one day I do stand in eternity with my little girl, our family finally once again complete. Standing between the here and now and Heaven. Living in the moments and trying to do the best we can to honor her and the Lord. Knowing all will be made right and every pain will be washed away. Thank you Jesus for Heaven. And for here. Help us live the best we can in this in-between.