Christmas this year was hard. Like the I don’t want to get out of bed, cried all day long, my heart felt like it'd been stabbed a million times kind of hard. The kind of hard I never imagined it could be. We honored our girl the best we could, making donations in her name instead of buying her gifts. We made her part of the traditions and those things made me smile. We talked about how it would have looked with her here, and while it made me cry, it filled my heart. Talking about her always does. We spent time with family after Christmas day and though there were many tear-filled moments while we were there, it was such a blessing to be with the ones we love. Laughter took away some of the overwhelming grief, leaving room to relax a bit and breathe. Her presence always seems to stick out while we are with family, it tends to be more in my face that she is not here with “everyone”. Though now our “everyone” will not really be everyone now until Heaven. Overall, though, it was what my soul needed most, to be with those I love.
Then New Years happened. All December long, I just couldn’t wait for it to be over. I didn’t want to keep dreading Christmas, I didn’t want to hear about how joyful and happy we should all be for Christmas. I wanted to disappear and let it be January. Then January came. New Year's Day, specifically. It’s not that I thought a new year would make things better, I don’t think anything will truly take the pain away until we are in Heaven, but for some reason a new year felt promising. It felt like maybe a fresh beginning? A new start? I’m not sure. Yet, instead of anything feeling good, it was actually really hard. The thing about it being a new year is that it didn’t change anything about my reality. It didn’t make it better or less painful. It didn’t suddenly bring back Eliana or make me feel like all was well in the world. It was the same story as before December 1st. My baby girl is gone. This reality hit me hard. Though I always believe God is working and He does have a plan for this upcoming year, ringing in the “New Year” didn’t make anything different. Therefore, life is still so, very hard.
As I’ve wrestled through this truth and how to keep taking steps forward when the pain is still as real as when it happened, I’ve started thinking more about the future. Not in a “let’s forget this ever happened and move on” way but in a way that works towards what is best for our family, what is best for me and even what is best for my relationship with God. There’s a phrase many married people say, “Happy wife, happy life”. While I tease my husband about this I do believe it is somewhat true. Have you ever heard someone say that wives/moms are the glue that holds the family together? Well, I think it’s true. It’s in our nature as women to take care of our families and to nurture our children and help our husbands, aka hold it altogether. As I thought about this I thought about how in the future with our babies we will have on this earth, I want to do that job well. I want to be a mom who is present in her babies’ lives and be the best I can for them and their dad. Even for Eliana, I want to make her proud and not just live in the pain, but be willing to work through the pain to live life the best I can for her.
I had made the decision to read the Bible in a year with some people from my church before all of this happened, but I am so glad I did. It’s brought back intentional quiet time with the Lord and encouragement from women that, some of whom, I don’t even know. On top of that, I’m working on my own mental health more than before, doing things that help to keep me motivated and healthy, instead of living in survival mode. While we were in PA with my family my cousins, sisters, brother-in-law, hubby and I spent a night out going to dinner and an escape room. We decided that we wouldn’t get each other gifts this year but instead would spend time together. It sparked a reminder to me of the importance of the time we have here on this earth. Our next breath is not promised. Take it from a baby loss mama, it’s not. While that may sound morbid or depressing, the reality is that it should change our perspective and how we live. How we spend our time, with whom we spend our time. And that is something I want all my babies to know and to see their parents live out. Yes, we always need to be wise and think of the future. But also, it’s so important to be in the now, to be with the ones you love and ENJOY life with them. That is something I haven’t done much in several months. Truly enjoy life. When life feels so heavy, hard and painful it is hard to do that. Yet, we can’t waste life focused on the hard all of the time. We need to remember the people we DO have around us, to love them well and be intentional with our time together.
It’s a balance that I will probably be learning to live for the rest of my life, yearning and wishing for Heaven, while also being present and thankful for those God has blessed me with here. One of the Christmas presents that Eliana got this year was from her best friend, Norah (my sister’s baby girl). Norah is 8 months older than Eliana. When I found out I was pregnant, my sister and I were so excited we were going to have little ones so close together. When we found out it was a girl, we couldn’t wait for them to be best friends. They had matching outfits all ready to go and even while Eliana was in my womb, Norah would give her kisses, unprompted from anyone else. It was the sweetest thing. The present is a beautiful picture of two little girls sitting side by side. One with brown hair and one with red hair and angel wings. It’s absolutely precious. The best part, though, is that when you ask Norah (who is now only 15 months) where Eliana is, she will point to her every time (and she’s never been told). It’s the kind of connection only made by God. A baby girl and her little cousin she never met but loves dearly. The promise of love here and in Heaven, and a lesson learned from a young little girl. So yes, a new year but the same story. Lord, help me to live as my niece, loving and yearning for Heaven while living the best I can down here on this earth.
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