From Death to Life

This season of life has put the most strain on my relationship with my Jesus. My husband and I went through a moment of being disconnected but now we’re stronger than ever. My mom, dad and sisters have stayed close as well as my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. Friendships have stayed strong and even grown during this time. Yet, every time it comes to Jesus, I just can’t. I struggle. I wrestle. I know bad things happen in the world but when it happens to you. To your baby. It’s just hard. I’ve always stood strong that God is good but that was what I knew in my head to be true. In my heart, I was so confused. How could this good, loving Abba Father allow my baby girl to die? Why would he take her from me? I don’t understand. I trusted Him with her. And now she is gone from me. What?! I knew that this terrible loss would not take me away from my faith, but man it’s been a fight to stay with it. As well as having a hard time trusting, I’ve found myself wanting my Eliana more than I’m wanting my Jesus. That’s not the right order things should be but I found myself wanting my daughter more than almost anything in the world and since I knew I had Jesus, I just didn’t really seem to care much to want Him. I felt distrust. I felt let down, betrayed even. The promise of new life ended so very soon and suddenly in death. It was wrong and I couldn’t grasp why. Why He wouldn’t stop it. So I clung to wanting my daughter. To thinking that she would bring all of the peace, love and joy back to my life. And she wouldn’t be there to do that until heaven. So it was gonna be a long next few decades till then.

The other day I was looking at my beautiful girl’s picture that I have on my nightstand right next to my bed. It’s a picture of her beautiful face, sweet little hands and adorable lil tummy. Ugh, she was so perfect. I also thought, but she was very much gone. I thought that from the moment I saw her. That was my baby but she wasn’t there. And what was left really, truly wasn’t what it should be. It was sad. It was devastating. It looked painful. It looked heartbreaking. Her physical, sweet little body was decaying before my very eyes. It’s so hard to see your child like that. Her spirit was in heaven but her body was dead. It was quite literally falling apart. The way she looked made me think of all of the terrible things death brings. Pain. Sadness. Devastation. Heartbreak. Decay in all kinds of ways. Feeling like life is falling apart. That is what the enemy brings. That is what my Jesus came to save us from. From the destruction that death and sin in this world brings. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10

As I’ve thought through this moment I had while looking at my little girl, I thought about how I’ve deeply felt the destruction that death has brought upon me, my husband and our entire family. It’s been dark. Sad. Painful. Heartbreaking. It’s caused decay in my heart. And sometimes it does feel as though life will never be put quite back together again. Then I thought about my Jesus. How He brings all of the opposites of those terrible things. Joy. Healing. Light. Renewal. The mending of hearts. It dawned on me then. I knew I always needed my Jesus and I believed that to be true. But I didn’t really want Him. I was still confused and unsure and truly just wanted my baby girl. But then I thought, look at what He brings. Not because we deserve it. Lord knows that I didn’t become a saint the day my daughter died. But because He loves us. That’s all.

As I drove home tonight from a yoga class I put some worship music on shuffle. I didn’t pick the song but let it be chosen randomly. What happened next was truly from the Lord. Each song spoke directly to my heart. The second song especially. It’s called “Talking to Jesus” by Elevation Worship. I cried. A lot. The song talks about this man’s journey in talking to Jesus and his relationship with Him. I cried because that is what is most broken out of all of this. My relationship with my Jesus. My heart is broken, sure. My family is broken, yes. Nothing will ever be the same, 100%. But I love my Jesus. And not only do I need Him. I desperately want Him. Yes, I still want my daughter so, very badly. But Jesus is still better. And He still wants me. He still loves me. He still cares and is so close. Moments I’ve felt far away are because I refuse to look over my shoulder. I refuse to unclench my fists I’ve been shaking at Him. I’ve felt broken, lonely, sad and heartbroken. But He’s been sitting in it with me the whole time. I just needed to look over, to be willing to feel His love again. To be wrapped in grace, patience, understanding and hope. Hope to see my baby and hope to one day, be a little less broken and little more whole. I cried out to Jesus and asked Him to help me figure this out. I feel like we almost need a fresh start. I’ve messed up and turned my back. But I need Him and most importantly I so desperately want Him. And I know He will. He doesn’t need me to figure anything out. But just to come. To choose Him. No matter what. To want Him. Even in the worst of days. To be loved and let Him feel close. To be home in my Father’s arms. For that is where my baby is… From death to life.