Everything You Can Give

Life here on this side of heaven in this season is the hardest thing I’ve ever walked through. From June 9th until today, the hardest. A season of pain, complete heartbreak,  anger, depression, and lately a version of myself I don’t recognize. It’s brought pain in relationships and confusion on how to move forward. It’s left me wondering my purpose for life when my whole world and purpose was taken away in a matter of seconds. It’s been defeating, devastating and so hard to walk, no slowly crawl, through. With the ringing in of a new year I felt like life should feel lighter, I would start really working on myself to get out of the fog of survival and into the mindset of being more content (not that I will ever be okay my sweet girl isn’t here) but finding my footsteps, no matter how small, forward. But, as shared in a previous blog, the new year didn’t change anything about my circumstances and has actually left me more empty and confused than before. The crazy thing about grief is that it doesn’t actually end. You don’t just wake up one day and say, “Today is the day, I’m good and we can move on”. You can’t just flip a switch and say “Yep, all the pain is gone and I can function normally now”. Nope. Instead it is a journey. A very slow, painful, never-ending journey. Even little things trigger it. Monday morning I walked downstairs and looked outside and saw the snow and my first immediate thought was “Man, I wonder what Eliana would have thought”. I had a hard time shaking that thought the entire rest of the day. Over snow. 

The thing they don’t tell you when you leave the hospital is that months later you will still not be yourself. I’ve always been a very motivated person. I can work from the moment I open my eyes until the moment I lay my head on my pillow and did for many years, especially during my dancing days. I would get annoyed at sitting around and just watching TV, desiring to be productive with my time and do the most I could. Months later, there are still nights I barely leave the coach than to eat and do some household chores. My mind hates it yet when the one you’d give anything for is gone, life can seem so very pointless. When your purpose and what you desire most is taken away, the motivation to do more than work and take care of your family feels too much to bear. That is so not me. 

Brain fog is so real in grief too. I mean I could tell you I’d do something tomorrow, in 20 minutes or even 20 seconds and forget before I even get around to it. I’ve become reliant on my “Reminders” app on my phone to get me through the day and the tasks needed to be done. I feel pathetic at times but my brain is just not here. It’s with Eliana. It’s remembering her or thinking about what a moment should have looked like. It’s getting caught up in my feelings or having a yelling match with God. And yet for someone who is always on top of things, I can get so incredibly frustrated with myself. “Why can’t you just remember?!?!” “What is wrong with you?!?!”... It's a very draining, defeating process. 

I’ve had more frustration and confusion with God lately too. I’ve prayed and sought the Lord for things that will help to make this walk seem just a bit lighter, to provide hope and to help me take these small steps forward and yet time and time again, there is no answer. I know many things in my head about who God is. And as hard as it sometimes feels to believe, I know it’s true. But when you have a battered and beaten heart that feels like it can’t come up for air, my heart says it’s not. That God doesn’t care, He’s not paying attention and you’re left on your own to fend for yourself. While I know God will never leave me, my flesh can be so weary and weak that it feels as if it is true.

One thing I do thank the Lord for during this season is the people He has given me, both old and new, to help carry me through these waters. To help point my eyes back to Jesus, even when I’m mad at Him or feel abandoned. To help remind me that though I’d like to be back to normal and feel like myself, I am only human and have very real feelings and am doing the very best I can. That this version of myself will not last forever but WILL forever be stronger. Will love so much deeper. Will desire to comfort others. Will take the time to be with the brokenhearted. Will never, ever give up hope. Will know that the sweetest place you could ever be is in Heaven. They also remind me to fight. To keep fighting everyday to live the best I can. To fight for one day closer to my girl. While I may not have all of the answers and wish life was so very different there is one thing I know is true. My Eliana is worth everything I can give this side of heaven. And that, that is worth fighting for.