Each Day is for You

It’s been way too long since I’ve sat down to blog. Part of it was the change in my husband’s work schedule, part of it was because school was busy and a lot of work. A lot of it is that it’s still hard. And to be honest it can be easier not to deal with the emotions than to bring them to the light and work through them all. It’s easier to be busy at work and be distracted than to honestly asses how you’re doing and be willing to work through those feelings. That’s what blogging helps me to do. While therapy is important and bringing things to the Lord is the only way to get true healing, this helps me to be honest about my emotions and work through the tough moments. All that said, there have been lots of emotions since January. I do not plan on going through them all here (we don’t have THAT much space), but there has been one overarching thing that has been difficult for me to swallow recently; her birthday. It’s not until next month but it’s been looming over my head since month 9, in March. I could barely stand the thought of her having grown so much and I missed all of it. I didn’t want to think of her as my little toddler, but always as my baby. I didn’t want the first year to be gone and for it to feel like everyone could ‘move on now’. I didn’t want the unknown. I still don’t. 

During Eliana’s baby shower friends and family came together to decorate onesies for each month of the first year of her life. When we lost her my first thought was just to get rid of them all. I couldn’t deal with seeing them and the pain that came with thinking that she would never wear even one of them. Then she would’ve been almost a month old and I decided that instead of just throwing them out, I wanted to use them to take a moment each month and honor her. It was still her day and she deserved to be honored. Plus, it has always brought a smile to my face to see the unique design of each one and the love and thoughtfulness put into them. Over the last couple of months, I’ve had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I only had three more left, then two more, and now only one more. No, it can’t change. I know how to grieve like this. I know how to acknowledge her each month. Please, don’t let it change. I was talking through this feeling with my aunt who had come to visit a few weeks ago and she said something that was simple, but changed my perspective completely, “You will figure out how to honor her in new ways each month”. It’s the change I didn’t want. I still don’t want it. But it will bring new opportunities. New ways to show my unending love for my sweet, little girl. New opportunities to remember who she is and will always be to this family. New ways to use all she has taught us to love others better and more wholeheartedly than we ever could have known how to before. 

Every month when I post her onesie and take time to honor her I always think about what she has taught me that month. It’s amazing what my little girl has taught me in her short time here on this earth. That is just what grief does though. It teaches you to slow down. To be present. To not take any moment or day for granted. To work hard to honor your loved one. For otherwise, what is the purpose? Why wrestle through the pain to just forget? Why cry the buckets and buckets of tears to not stand beside someone else and show them the love only one who has lost someone precious knows how to show? Why continue to pursue Our Heavenly Father if you’re going to just give up on the life He died to give to you? No. Instead, you fight to be willing to hurt so you can remember. You become willing to work through the frustrations and pain so you can walk along with someone else fighting those very same emotions. To praise your Savior wholeheartedly, knowing that He has unconditional love for your loved one AND for you. He has not left. He will never leave. He is right there, holding you up, hugging you close. So you walk each day. Holding that loved one, your Eliana Jean, close to your heart. You seek the Lord and His goodness, knowing that one day everything that was true will become untrue and you will stand in His glory, whole once again. You live each day for them. For otherwise, why?