My Sweet Girl,
Recently, I’ve been looking back on our time together with you. Looking through pictures and thinking back to the beginning of when we found out about you to the moment we saw your sweet face. It was a roller coaster of a ride, that is for sure. But one I’d live a million more times just to know you are mine and have you as my sweet little girl. I’ve been thinking back to the time that we spent bonding and growing together. All of the sweet moments I felt you kick and move around in your Momma’s belly. All of the time we spent preparing for your arrival into this world. All of the cute clothes I washed and folded, all of the unwrapping of precious gifts and organizing of your room. Being your Momma. Man, I loved it. I loved knowing I’d get to take care of you all of your days. I never expected those days to be cut so, very short. I still can’t believe that the short 37 weeks we had you here were all we got this side of heaven. Almost 8 months later and it still feels impossible to understand. I miss our bonding time. Our hours of nursing. Of me holding you and rocking you to sleep. Of reading you books, changing your diaper, watching you start to crawl around and give me a run for my money. I miss the relationship we’d be building. The beautiful bond that is between a momma and a baby girl. I miss my little angel.
This past month was tough and I didn’t write to you as much as I should’ve or wished I had. But the other night I did and then again tonight. As I finished what I was writing I started to look back at some of the other letters I had written. I’ve been writing since you would’ve been 4 days old. Though recently I’ve been slacking in my letters, there are still so many from over the course of almost 8 months. It’s so hard to believe you’ve been gone for that long. As I was reading over some of the letters my heart was heavy but also, in some crazy way, lighter than it had been. The letters talk about all of the things I missed about you. The times I wished we were having and the moments I wanted to have being your Momma here on earth. In them was (and is) so much love for you and a desire for you to know that love. As I thought about it I realized that those moments are our bonding here on earth. While I’d give anything to have moments with you here, lots and LOT of moments, I will forever cherish and remember the moments we did have. And then I will make moments that look so very different than they should, but are moments just the same, with my little girl.
I was reading through one particular letter and I was talking a lot about your Daddy in it. I was telling you about how strong he was and how he held your Momma up when she didn’t have the strength. How he never left her side and always knew how to love her best. How he knew to make her smile, even on the hardest day. Your Daddy is the best. And he loves you like crazy. I went on further in the letter to say that I wished I was still carrying you and had the joy and excitement of you coming home to the place we had prepared for you. The home we wanted to be yours. Ours. That part hit me hard. I wish that’s what happened. I wished you did come home. That the story did end the way it should. That my baby girl was in my arms.
As I sat there thinking about those words, those feelings and everything that came with them my heart was comforted in knowing that I will always have these to look back on. To have the moments written down of the freshest of days after losing you. Knowing I have the thoughts, the feelings, the raw of missing you. The hope we once felt. The descriptions of your sweet, soft cheeks that I couldn’t stop stroking. The way I felt so confused and helpless yet when I held you my whole world stopped and was okay, just for those few moments. How I remember peeking and opening your eye just so I could see the color. How tiny your sweet fingers were and little your baby toes. How you looked when they first laid you on my chest, a moment I envisioned many times and never would’ve imagined looking like that. How I can picture you in your daddy’s big, strong arms, the most protected place you’d ever be in your whole life. How I couldn’t stop looking at you when our family left. They walked in and out and gave you all sorts of kisses and love, and all I could do was look at my precious girl. I never wanted to take my eyes off you. I never do. This life can get busy, distracting and so overwhelming. But moments like these, I will cherish. The moments of bonding with my little girl. Thinking of her and remembering her, everything about her. Taking time to miss you, and to be so thankful I get to be your Momma. These are not the bonding moments I’d have chosen or would like but I will cherish each one, always holding you close and tight in my heart. Forever. I love you, my angel.
All my love,
Momma
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