A Willing Heart

It was a Thursday morning. May 9th to be exact. I had been expecting my period for over a week with nothing. I lay in bed and debated whether I wanted to get up to take a test. I was scared. A test meant so many things. It could mean a no which was the constant result for over 5 months. Or it could mean a yes which turned into a no the month prior just 3 short days later. Or it could mean a yes that turned into a no like our first baby, months and weeks down the road. Pregnancy is a terrifying thing when you’ve lost a baby. Up I got and a test I took. A thick blue line second line. It was a yes. My heart skipped a beat. “Thank you, Jesus. Please, please God bring this baby here to this earth to stay.” A prayer I have not stopped praying since that morning. Always starting with a thank you as it is not lost on me what a blessing it is to be pregnant. I have close relationships with people who have been trying for years, who don’t know what trying will hold for them, and who could only have one baby. Pregnancy is a gift. A baby is a blessing from the Lord. Always. Even as painful as it was to lose my daughter, I’d do it a million times again just to know that she is mine and to get to be her Momma. So while filled with fear of the unknown and way more uncertainty than certainty, I will always have a thankful heart for the babies I get to carry. For the life the Lord has entrusted to me to love, grow, and nurture, no matter how long the timeframe is. 

A thanksgiving is always followed by asking and begging, interceding for this little life. Jesus, please let me hear his cry. Please let him stay with me on earth. Please, Lord, let me raise this little human. I remember at eight weeks we had an appointment with our OB to have an ultrasound and hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. I was so nervous, convinced that they weren’t going to find anything and that the two tests I had taken were wrong. That the hope I held was going to be shattered once again. I’ve held that same fear for many moments. Telling others was hard. There was joy, as there should be for this little guy, but it was mixed with so much anxiety and fear. Filled with feeling scared of what could happen to this baby, will I have to tell them all that I have lost another baby? Will I tell everyone and be excited just to turn around and grieve another loss? Will this baby even get to meet the people I am telling this news? The questions would spiral through my head. Holding me back from being free to celebrate the new life I held in my womb. Keeping me wrapped in fear, not knowing how long I’d get to keep this little one.  Or even what someone might say. How others would respond. You become on your guard when you’ve gone through loss, especially baby loss. People say things that are well-meaning but they can be so incredibly painful and dismissive. It becomes natural to be unsure of how others might respond and be nervous about what they will say about another baby. There is much fear to be had when carrying a baby after loss. But there is much joy too. And I am grateful for those around me who have helped bring me to that place of celebration better than I could’ve gotten to by myself. When there is so much fear, you guard your heart. When others are joyful and excited, you learn to let your guard down, little piece by little piece. When you are willing to be vulnerable, there is much joy to be had. 

I have learned to finish my prayer, not my will, but yours be done. A hard line to end with. Yet one that I think is of such importance. I would have my daughter back here in a heartbeat, but I know without a doubt that no matter what life has in store, our God will help us through. He will carry us and bring us to a place of healing, no matter how long it takes. He will give us what we need to walk each heartbroken moment. He will sustain us in our darkest hour. Because He already has. He has taken care of us, even in the worst nightmare. He would do it again. And that, the willingness of an open heart, is what brings true peace and trust. The trust in a God who is much bigger and greater than ourselves and our best-made plans. A God who is strong enough to carry us and loving enough to comfort us. A God who never, ever leaves our side. A God who is passionate about His children and will never give up on them. A God much deserving of our trust. A God I deeply desire for all my babies to know and love. The only God I’m willing to trust again with my heart. A nervous, but ever thankful, willing heart.